University of Virginia Library

SECTION I.

A RIGHT WOMAN.

The potent wand of the storied necromancer of Arabia,
hath dwindled to the feebled rush that bows before
the blast, in comparison to the enchanter pen, whose
touch portrays the boundless fictions of modern romance:
the tameless spirits of the elements, earth, air, fire, and
the living waters, ever wait its magic calls; are ever
obedient to the wizard's command; while alone of all
created things—(guided by imagination, upborne on free
and soaring pinion,) the mind whose thoughts it sets upon
the page of man, ranges uncontrolled as a creature of

sthe air itself, the unlimited space of time, ransacking
the almost forgotten stores and buried ashes of the long
departed—searching and renovating to its own purpose
and use the chronicles, records, and rude and mouldering
pages of legendary lore, of ages past; bidding, as did in ancient
day, the wise and holy cabalist, by a word, the
scattered and dust dissolved flesh, to revisit the dry and
carious bones of death, with life, and vigour, and freshness,
as in the hour of their breathing actions, when animation
dwelt within them; commanding the wanton and
fickle winds to give back the wild and wandering rumours
they once swelled with, and tell of mighty tales of hard
fought contests; of triumphs, of wars, and raging storms;
of leprous plagues and foul diseases—which, since spent,
that merely the memory thereof was known, had in
their angered and deadly passage, depopulated, spoiled
and laid waste to deserts, wide regions; making the
grass to grow within the city's streets, and turning the
fair face of health, of beauty and of youth, to the livid
and pallid colour, that loves to creep with fading hue
upon the hot cheek of yellow sickness, eating away the
roseate tint of loveliness, and struggling for its banquet
with life itself:—yea! filling the now earth-choked and
unregarded sepulchres, with all the then brave, rich and
great. At once, even in the flight of a vision, hath it
called the proud city—that of all its relics of ancient
splendour—its marble palaces—its bright and glittering
spires—its haughty temples, lofty and carved colonnades
and frowning citadels, whose names of glory time hath
scarce preserved, to rise like the summer's sun, redolent
in magnificence; its busy crowds and thronged marts
awakening to the sight: nay, more—unbridled fancy hath
dived down in the ocean's womb, and with curious eye
gazed in its chrystal and untrodden caves—where, hid
from human search, are heaped treasures that would make
the heart of prodigality run over with desire, and craze
the miser with coveting; where alike, with the bleached
and cadaverous remains of the sea whelmed mariner,
and the green webbed nest of the water snake, sleep in
obscurity, the dusky amethyst, the lily coloured pearl,
whole beds of coral—the yellow bars of gold, washed
by the waves for ages, even to sand—the vast wrecks of
the richest argosies, that ever swam on the bosom of the
dark blue deep—all, all come and appear at the sorcerer's
beck, changing and flitting like shadows in some
brilliant dream of midnight, which as music listened to
in youth's spring tide, dwells long upon the memory
though the notes are hushed in silence.

From the premises set down, understand not reader,
(be you gentle or simple) that it is meant that all the
tribe of quill-drivers are thus gifted; for it requires but
a small share of observation or study, to perceive the
vanity of the multitude; for where there flourishes one
individual endowed with the necessary qualities, there
are a thousand scrawlers, besotted with ambition and
ignorance, and the desire of imitating; who spring up
weed-like, sucking the wholesome juices and poisoning
the fatness of the fresh and fruitful soil, as tares in a
wheat field: for in all man strives to copy man: he is a
mere creature of imitation, not less than the animals of
the forest: the ass, though stupid and insignificant, with
clumsy hoof attempts the proud tramp of the gallant
charger: the ape mimics with antic and fantastic capers,
the noblest actions of humanity: and even so will
coarse conceit, and impudent and selfish consequence
thrust themselves in the path of aspiring and eagle
flighted talent: but what is more to be lamented, by
the aid of their very assurance, they are too often for
a time enabled to mislead and deceive, obtaining a momentary
and shameful applause: for indeed false merit is many
times taken for the true; because while the one sinking
beneath its own diffedence, scarcely dares show itself, the
other with loud and insolent boastings, is constantly pushing
forward: and while the first is surrounded with
starveling myrmidons and prostitute flatterers, who are
forced for their own subsistence to keep it in credit, the
last is unassisted, unadorned, and hath nothing beyond its
own virtue to recommend it. And further, prejudice will
go great lengths; and when that infirmity hath taken
sway, the weakest drivellers, even by persons of excellent

mind, are commended; while the brightest parts
appear intolerable organs of nonsense or stupidity. Indeed
it is to be remarked, whether it can be owing to
that blindness which policy or passion casts on the understanding,
or the careful prudence of faction, is difficult
to determine, that even the many shallow, empty-brained
dependants of a party, who undertake by noise and impudence,
calumny and gross railing, vile lying and scurrility,
to advance their cause, are considered in the light of sensible
and witty writers: yet these evils have their remedy
in time—as the strict examination which it calls forth, withers
undeserved laurels—for not even the strong barriers
that wealth may build, are able to oppose its sure and steady
march: nevertheless the crowd is ever imposed on—for
it seems as if universally, the reason and judgment of
mankind; (if indeed the multitude have those faculties,)
are sunk in inertness and indolence: so much so, that where
there is naturally a strength of thought, and a vigour of
reflection, the nature of the beast (the term must be
permitted) strives against allowing itself scope even
when demanded in action by an incident of uncommon
moment. Assuredly people in general take too little trouble
to think for themselves; they are ready at any time
to receive an opinion formed and expressed by others,
even though its fallacy be apparent, and it hath gone the
regular routine of conversation when applied to the subject
in question, a month past: and though it hath the foul
impression of its original birth, and bears the marks of
the narrow mind—the selfish view—the particular and
actuating feeling: the hired and ignorant strain of the
first framer, it still has its effects; for the greatest liar,
has those who believe and place confidence in him; and
though the untruth which he hath coined lives but an
hour unexposed, it hath done its work; there are its votaries
who will not be convinced of its error:—How seldom
is there met that man, who, totally divested of
malice, of littleness of mind, of private envy or public
enmity, will give to that which he reflects or speaks on,
a fair, candid and impartial representation: who will
take in the range of his argument and idea, the bright
and gloomy sides; giving them a like chance; neither
seeking to draw an unkind inference, nor disposed to receive
aught which is not broadly shown; but holding
the affair as it should be viewed in truth, not giving his
sense to one side, until he has heard and understood the
other: while daily the mob is seen to be led on and
wielded by the busy tongue of some shallow-pated and noisy
egotist, whom principle and interest urge on to corrupt
the manners, blind the understanding, and destroy the
honesty, of all whom he can; and who frequently, by
the power of his own emptiness and self-sufficiency, (this
is from existing life) raises himself to be the very sparrow-hawk
of the circle wherein he holds forth; gaining,
though despicable in reputation, by dint of loud words,
an empire over the supine, languid and careless spirit of
his listeners, who would not put themselves to a minute's
labour from the laziness of their natures, to refute the
hollowness of his doctrines, or overturn the flimsy foundation
which he argues on. Again it is to be observed,
that man is greatly a follower of habit; and were it not
for the uncommon stupidity of some, even in the earliest
childhood, one might incline to the opinion that supposes
providence hath not granted one of his creatures, more
by nature, than another; but that it is the custom, the
accidental taste, the treatment, and a thousand directing
circumstances of infancy, that points the course taken,
and the faculties shown, in after manhood: for many, who
would have made the world wonder as writers or statesmen,
have climbed the trembling mast, and toiled on the
weltering deck: many who would as warriors have conquered,
sleep unknown beneath the osiers of a rustic tomb;
and many who would by the fire of eloquence have roused
a nation, have laboured for a single crust to sate life's cravings,
in the most menial office—and so it is ordered, for
the sake of that inequality which constitutes society:
yet from this, there is reason to believe, that could the
true roads be pointed out in youth, that few could boast
of a superiority to their fellow sojourners of mortality:
but as it has just been stated, it may be custom, habit,
from being cribbed and bound in servile dependence on
one another, in the state termed civilization; that is
owing that want of strength, that womanish weakness of
mind, that dares not, when convinced, contend against the
incorrect voice, that nearly always guides the popular
feeling; though when that very feeling hath subsided,
or met with some bar that hath sent it back with the
force of a mighty whirlwind, to the right way: for popular
feelings, are as the clouds of sand driven by the
desert siroc—ever shifting, ever assuming new forms and
shapes; there are many, (after it hath become notorious
how widely mistaken they have been,) who quick enough
take undeserved praise for judicious foresight, justice of
reflection, and predictions of the event as it had happened;
while it wants but small stretch of remembrance,
that these had been loudest in the wrong: and thus it is—
if one begins the cry, all follow in the wake, yelping and
open-mouthed, even as the pack, the leading hound;
though it is extremely probable, the loudest noise-maker,
and the most hollow throated knave, hath the worst reason
for his conduct: this, and no more, are the wheels
that bear the movements of party rage and political factions:
for who is it that is exalted on the shoulders of
the mob—who holds the helm of government—at least
popular ones? Is it the wise, the honest, or the deserving
of the nation? No! the people are darkly led on,
plunged in night; they are deceived in all things; their
name is only used for their destruction; an engine to
further the views of intriguing and designing rascals:
they believe themselves all powerful—but they are
mocked—they are driven unknown to themselves—they
are ruled as by rods of iron—they are misled by artful
stratagems—and what is worse, many times they rush
wittingly into bondage, and grasp their chains, with eager
hands and open eyes: for who are at their head—who
are their spokesmen—their dependance? a miserable,
beggarly set of half-starved blockheads: ruined at once
in fortune and reputation, whom the convulsions of the
day, and their own insolence, have drawn out of obscurity—who
unable to earn their bread by industrious and
honorable means, fly to a trade, which, such is the depravity
of the time, its, followers may be known and
drawn in one single sentence: if he is a politician, he is
an office seeker; if he is an office seeker, he is little
better than a scoundrel, a sycophant, a hypocrite, and a
lying rogue: and is this not proved? go, doubter, and
ask who write for the public journals; who bustle in
the world; who brawl at city meetings; who cry at the
corners on an election; half-starved physicians, who lack
practice from their ignorance; swindling, client-skinning,
pettifoggers, retailers of the law, whose wit at knavery,
hath run too dry to get a livelihood; bankrupted traders,
and drunken, ruined mechanics: all an outcast, outlawed,
desperate set!—undeniably, such are the great leaders
of our political struggles; all caring not one jot what
becomes of the people, their liberty, or their rights, so
they themselves are taken care of; and to accomplish
this, they overthrow without remorse, every obstacle:
they adjust, to further their pernicious and selfish views,
the principles and the constitution of the government;
having their hearts set on how to get or to keep their
places: they mingle and sow discord among all; changing
nature itself—setting brother against brother—neighbour
against neighbour—so that no man is either a citizen or
friend—however great his honour, patriotism and religion,
unless he be of the same side.—And again, who are
they? What a throng of despicable villains present
themselves in answer to the question: behold yon sycophantic
lawyer—filled with mean, low cunning, gained
from the rabble and dregs of society, with whom his business
lies, and from whence he hath sprung: glutted
with stripping thieves of their plunder, and robbing the
burglar of his booty, that it may serve his debaucheries—
a licensed highwayman of the bar—winked at in his
rogueries, when he should be sent to the same bourne
with those whom he defends, and whom his ignorance or his
cupidity, often condemns—see him changing from side to
side, as each party prevails, as often as the shifting current
of the waves: shallow and brainless, he roars aloud
—but the brain and heart that guides it, is as empty of
honour, faith, and all that good men delight in, as the
sound that forms the words he utters—out on it! out on
it! the purchase and the price of such a man is in the
hands of all. And yet he is surpassed by his comate—
fit friend for such a being—(fiends make compacts)—a
real descendant of old Macklin's hero—who, had he lived
in the days of that stern satirist, would have given the
ancient fresh hints for his Scotchman, of consummate
villany, that he never, with all his misanthropy, could
have believed man capable of conceiving or acting:
a civilian—just possessed of talent enough, to make
his roguery more atrocious: a politician—but of that corrupt
class, that he would embrace an opportunity of
committing the blackest wickedness, to keep or obtain an
employment—and is ever, at a moment's warning, ready
to throw off his allegiance, and turn from the party, whom
from interest he has espoused: just such a character one
would have to set, were he going to draw the portraiture
of a man, who, placed in an undeserved public office,
would turn the power derived therefrom, to his own private
use: who devoid of every sense of honour, humanity
or honesty, and swayed by the blackest demon of
revenge, would meanly persecute and crush the unfortunate:
a man indeed, who was he placed in the situation,
would act, if his temper be rightly judged, like the
notorious Finch, the solicitor general of James the First,
who, while public prosecutor against Lord Delamere, forgot
the manners of a gentleman, and breaking down the
virtuous barrier of disinterestedness, which should have
actuated him, became the corrupt and violent partisan
and declaimer: but the province hath a precedent of
character nearer—for when that Bayard, of whom farther
on this narrative makes mention, was accused of
treason and sedition, Weaver, the king's attorney, hearing
the jury was loth to bring in a bill, is said to have
shown his heart by crying out, “that if they found not
an indictment, he would have them trounced—and that
though Bayard's neck was gold, he would hang him.”
Thus would this man act, was chance to place him in
such a station; for instead of the first to quell, he is the
first to lead the riotous and disaffected, even though he
should commit the greatest crimes; but he is one that would
not stickle at a trifle—for a moment's spite; he would
without shame, nay, glory in it as an honourable deed,
defile the house of God: the name of sacrilege, from
youth hath been familiar with him; he is the leader and
the spokesman of every noisy blackguard; instead of
obeying the laws he breaks them, and winks at the crimes
and enormities of his friends and partisans; he would
make a partnership of knavery with the released forger,
and cover, as the parent bird its unfledged young, the
atrocious enormities of his companions:—but it is disgusting
to dwell longer on this contemptible subject—yet
there is an Italian proverb, that tells us there is a gallows
for every rascal.

Hic multa desiderantur.

From all this, a conclusion may be formed, that human
laws will ever be defective, and that knaves will always
find out some invention to elude their force; for their
wits being ever industrious, it rarely happens that honest
men are able to guard against them.

“But what hath all these wise dissertations, these
tedious episodes, and these round about flighty wanderings,
to do with the progress of the story,” inquireth the
worn out reader of the composer: “you are wrong,
master author—positively wrong.—these are not times
for wholesome satire: and between us, if you bend
your bow, your shaft will be blunted on hard rocks—
for folks now-a-days, care very little about being told
their faults—so it is in vain you cry down vileness and ignorance—as
not only brass, but lead, is above par value
in the market, saith the stock jobber, or rather the honourable
member of a certain honourable board[1] —for

both these commodities are greatly dealt in, especially
by editors—and imported by the wholesale from Connecticut,
New Hampshire, and the other New England
States. Though if you intend to cry down the vices of
the time, heaven forefend you die not ere the enumeration
be finished: therefore friend, take this advice—
trouble your head no more with other people's doings,
but look to your own—and without more ado, travel on
with this matter between us, of which I am already in
despair of understanding—for I begin to lose the connexion
of the plot and every thing else: but before you
set out in earnest, let me tell you, if you wish to make
the thing palatable, after trying my patience as you have
done, spice your story well with murder, madness and
love—or rest assured it won't do.”—

“Well on my word, I believe you are right, and I'll
strive to comply—but I am of such a singular and digressive
nature—(for I am writing perfectly at ease, determined
to inhale every fragrant flower that I meet;)
that it will be a severe trial for me to restrain my humour,
nevertheless I must confess, that although I respect
what you have said, being at leisure and not
caring, as long as you accompany me without downright
grumbling, how far I am from my journey's end—I cannot
help but think it will be pleasant, when the road is
particularly dusty, that we make a short excursion in
the fields—though it will be a sufficient hint for me,
when you get tired, that you yawn, or turn over the
pages with a slight glance. Yet as to your concluding
sentence, I can only assent in part: for it is now the
fashion among all great writers, to forget the plot, or put
it on the last page—being the most inferior ingredient

of the composition: however, the proem above indited,
like the unmeaning and hackneyed sentiments of an argumentative
discourse in Congress, which gives you more
trouble to understand than read, will serve to amuse and
keep you in play—while at a gentle pace, I transport
myself across the threshold of the puissant Mynheer
Vanderspeigl's domicile: the door of which, just opened,
I have some time been holding, for the purpose of
describing somewhat of the interior; whither, if you
have no objection thereto, we will enter before the magnanimous
owner—who in the present instance moved
heavily; weighty with dubitation, and feeling in nearly
as sharp a disposition, as a certain modern orator and
statesman, who having carried his speech in his pocket
to a political meeting—nevertheless on rising to give
vent to his eloquence, and astonish the natives, found at
a pause, that unfortunately, he had dropped the manuscript,
which was to prompt him by the way—and so
after thrice in vain attempting to proceed, he sat down
as he rose—even as that wondrous hen—who cackled and
cackled, and cackled, about the barn yard for three winters,
but never laid an egg.”

The huge log blazed cheerfully on the broad hearth,
and sent up the wide and cavernous mouth of the chimney,
rolling clouds of smoke, while basking in the grateful
warmth, with that love of heat which characterizes
the African, as close as it was possible to creep in the
fire-place, was stationed our old acquaintance, Yonne.
His legs resembled, when drawn together at the ancle,
an octagon window—or rather, if a digressive simile may
be allowed, his were such a couple of shanks as would
elicit the unbounded admiration of a horse-jockey, and
would gain for him from a person of that respectable
calling the appellation of a well set man; for the shin
bones ran in that perfect and graceful curve, which, if
their proprietor was mounted on a racer, would have
secured his safety, as though they were a pair of braces
made to the shape of the steed's body: now these legs,
which were an ample illustration of the saw, that there
cannot be too much of a good thing—for they were of

a wonderful even thickness from the knee downwards—
were cased in two redoubtable cast off jack boots of the
Mynheer's; but in whose wearing, the utmost attention
had been bestowed on economy; for long before, they
had been given on a pauwse holy-day, by the generous
Vanderspeigl, to his slave: the sole of one foot, had
been completely worn out to a sieve; while but little
more praise could be given to the other, for fellows,
without a violation of description, they could not be
called: and as the Dutchman, in his personal affairs, always
practised, and manfully stuck to the maxim, that a thing
should not be thrown away, if any use whatever could
be derived from it: so that although one of the pair might,
by misfortune or accident incidental to protracted usage,
be rendered unfit for further service, he was wont to
take care of that which remained, as in case of unfavourable
weather, he might preserve his best boots,
which had cost him ten stuyvers—for they were of the
first cut of Tony Von Slyck, the shoenmaker of Nieuw
Amsterdam: still this which was about to be described,
was perfect, except the heel and one side having given
way—being to the disgrace of the thread with which it
was worked—burst in a monstrous gap—so that from
these unavoidable occurrences, while Yonne's toes in a
state of admirable nudity and cleanliness, as if in defiance
of frost and cold, and as wearied of confinement,
paraded in respectful obedience from the point of the
one boot; his other foot, either from a knowledge of the
cool reception it was likely to meet, or from being unable
to force its way from a narrowness in the passage,
(which was unconquered by coaxing or grease,) scarcely
made its way half down the upper leather, as the cobler
designates it: yet necessity being the mother of invention,
here supplied her part—for the heel, by constant
residence there having formed its bed, the remainder
unattended to and entirely neglected, hung useless and unoccupied
on one side: however, this superfluous ornament,
like a dirty, noisy vagabond who has nothing to
do in the world but make a great clamour, that people
may suppose him a person of magnitude and business,
kept up such a constant, everlasting, never failing clatter,
that when the negro was in motion, he seemed as if
he had a dozen tin kettles and pewter pans adjoined to
him. After this specimen of frugality, it will not be improper
to remark, that in general this excellent virtue
has disappeared—or at least there are but solitary instances
of its practice; not but what meanness is in perfection,
but it is of that sort which prompts a man to go to
every length, and pursue every low method to entrap
and cheat another: but with themselves, they believe
all depends on show; that their character consists
in their appearance; and that he whose coat has lost a
button and is worn to the threads, is no better than a
rogue; but he who runs up a bill at a fashionable tailor's,
is of the first standing. And further, it is the aim
of all to appear beyond their sphere—this man, not
worth in the world a farthing, must have his furniture of
the first kind—so he takes every way to deceive and get
credit—fills his house and then breaks: this lady is bitten
with a fever to buy all that is sold at auction, of the
latest and newest—she crowds her rooms with costly
and unnecessary articles, but for which her family
has no use; her tables must be of rose-wood, exquisitely
carved and gilded—all for show, though not
for wear: if the fashion of last year is offered her for
comparatively one third of its worth, she will turn up
her nose as scornful as a queen—“sooth, what is she to
do with such trash? indeed she would not give it house-room,
though it might do well enough for some who
were of the lower order”—nevertheless it is not improbable,
could this fine lady think so far back, that an age
had not passed since she was fortunate in having a deal
board to set to—and was happy instead of feeding off
of China, to take her meals from the coarsest earthen
ware.—But to the black, who at the present instance, being
seated in comfort, had both of his crooked yet sturdy
supporters, resting against a huge mound of ashes, that
had been collected and heaped up by that tidy housewife,
dame Vanderspeigl, with the most extraordinary
nicety—not a grain protruding on the bright surface of
the pavement of Holland brick, which shone in a gay
coat of Dutch pink, tastefully polished with molasses. As
most of the ornaments of the worthy negro's person have
undergone a description, it would be unbecoming, and
really not doing him justice, to neglect a mention of those
useful limbs his hands, especially bearing in view that
which they were engaged at; natheless, they were as
delicate as might be expected, although of the real shoulder
of mutton make, and were, when spread, not unlike
an Indian pancake, presenting to the sight of the curious,
two high prized and deep tinted hues, the outside
being of the most durable and stable black, while the palm
was a mixed copper and dingy red-in truth they were an exceeding
proper explanation of that new order of architecture,
the very offspring of modern taste, science, and refinement,
that in the same edifice allows that extraordinary
diversity, a front of white marble and a rear of brown
stone; amply proving that the ancients knew nothing
about building, with all their pretensions—their vaunted
chastity and simple grandeur of effect; for what were these
to the divine conceptions of a Corporation committee?
What, though jesters may liken the structure in question
to a vestcoat pattern, still how infinitely obligated is
posterity to that wise head and erudite ingenuity, that
in so expensive an undertaking could make out to
save money—who notices how much it wants in
breadth, or that it lacks any proportion, when their
admiring eyes gaze on that effigy which surmounts it;
that wooden representation of justice, that with hands
extended seems ready to grasp every thing within its
reach: (a just emblem of the deeds that under its name is
enacted, for he that can best fill its hands is surest of his
object)—But the hands of Yonne are those that ought to
engage the attention, for the one was busily employed in
steadying, with the aid of his chin, the support of his huge
fiddle whose ravishing power entranced the soul of the
musical negro, and solaced his vexed spirit, which, as the
reader is aware, had been wrought on to irritation by the
incivility of the rover, so that his whole soul was dissolved
in harmony of his own making; while the fingers of his
other hand gracefully drew the bow athwart the catgut,
in time to the contortions of both visage and body, for the
last at every proper period, as by way of assistance to
the melody, moved slowly backwards and forwards with
a see-saw action, like the pendulum of a clock; added to
this, with not an unharmonious throat, as has been hinted
was his custom, he poured forth in voice some catch, the
words of which hath not reached these times by tradition,
though the famous tunes of `Greenland dat's a barren
place,' and `Toraches the buttermilk's fat, Toraches,' are
of such antiquity that they might be ventured without an
anachronism to be inserted, but as this narrative is one on
which much may be relied as an assured relation, they
cannot be here stated as the ones which Yonne trolled.
Around him, as the reader might expect from a former
relation of this Orpheus' powers, enwrapt by interchange
of voice and instrument, crowded the whole issue of Sporus
Vanderspeigl, a chubby-cheeked, open-mouthed troop
of little white-headed, sunburnt varlets, who at times at
the very top of their lungs, swelled the notes, or sprawled
about the hearth half naked and filled with laughter;
to these delectable sounds it must not be omitted to detail,
were adjoined, as by way of variation, the snarling, barking,
howling, and snapping of the Dutchman's dog, a long,
hollow-backed, thin-gutted, shabby-coated, ill-natured
house cur, that tantalized, as it dozed before the fire, by
the restless feet and startling shouts of glee from the joyous
children, seemed teased and goaded with venom and
crossness nearly to bursting:—breaking into this riot of
sounds at intervals, came the quick, sharp, and piercing
voice of the goede vrouw herself, as she drew her hand
away from the swift turning spinning wheel, which by the
help of her active foot, was kept in constant motion, to
shake it threateningly as she stilled the different complaints
which, in spite of the prevailing good humour, were often
preferred to her, or as she soundly saluted the ears of
some little stiff-necked and obstinate delinquent or rebel
to her sovereign authority, with a hearty cuff that made
them tingle again, and which was returned by the bare-legged
urchin with a fierce long screaming to the very
stretch of his throat. Of the dame, it is almost needless
to repeat, that about the Nederlander's precincts there
was not a living thing but what cowered trembling at her
slightest glance; few were more respected than the matron;
she ruled over her domain, all paying unlimited
obedience; did she command, a page flies not faster to a
monarch's orders than did her subjects; the very cats
ran affrighted to their couch in the oven when she spoke,
and the anxious eyed and watchful rat coiled himself close
in his nest in the cupboard, even the spider paused in fear
and wonder at its laborious work along the rafters, as it
listened to the echoes of her shrill tones. She was a tall,
spare, meagre looking woman, with pale sharp features
of the vinegar cast, all terribly pitted with the small pox,
and enlivened with a pair of tartar twinkling little grey
eyes, that, together with the puckered, pinched up mouth,
appeared as sour as they well could be—she wore a
chintz short gown covered with large red flowers, her
petticoats, (on the number of which she prided herself,)
were of a woollen stuff, interchangeably of blue, black,
orange, and white hue; the outer one being uncommon
short; from their edges, the various colours of the others
that were under displayed themselves to advantage like
the many dies of a rainbow; at each side of her hung a
pocket, which, in size and dimensions, might be compared
to moderate saddle bags, these were filled to the brim;
thick blue yarn stockings, with clocks, and sharp pointed,
broad bottomed, skate shaped shoes, with bright large silver
buckles, covered her feet; on her head, she had a
little round, puritanical kloeckminshie, or night cap, close
crimped and stuck full of pins, needles, and other stray
articles of that kind, which the saving dame had gathered
from the floor in sweeping. The good woman was snugly
seated at her wheel in a high backed, low bottomed, and
leathern cushion chair, lustrous with wax and rubbing,
curiously carved, and studded with numerous brass nails;
and without doubt this chair was a magnificent thing
of its kind, and had been an heir loom in mevrouws
family time out of mind:—and if her statement could
be depended on, and there is little cause to disbelieve
her, it was a proof of the antiquity of her race; for
she was one who had her whole genealogy by rote,
and whatever might be thought, there were few who
dared openly dispute her averments, that the aforesaid
chair had belonged to her great aunt's fourth
cousin's great uncle's grandfather, who had been den
Hogen Mogendheid of Amsterdam in der Vaderland—and
on such dignity, his descendant greatly plumed herself, and
in consideration of which, it is currently reported, she
was wont to hold her nose at the smallest computation,
a foot higher than her husband, who, low-lived and
wicked fellow, cared not a grain for all the ancestors in
the world—and hard hearted wretch that he was, had
no pride of family—so much so, that it was generally
supposed he scarcely knew or troubled himself, whether
he had ever had a grandfather. It must be allowed that
in most cases, pride is a despicable feeling, but Vrouw
Vanderspeigl had much to say in her defence, for as ornaments
to the elbows of this same enen zeetel, were exquisitely
chiselled two little pursy, round bodied, Dutch
built cupids, with legs nearly as thick as their bodies, and
curled full bottomed periwigs, and short squabby wings—
each holding to his mouth a pipe which might have
been meant for a trumpet, which the deities, by the
prodigious swellings of their cheeks, for they were blown
out like bladders, were straining to sound—and indeed
when we hear of speeches on a walking stick, and the
value set on an old cocked hat, who can blame the matron
if these wooden dignitaries were the joy of her
heart? they were in her mind superior to the finest
sculpture that could be produced—the whole gallery of
statuary might in vain have been offered for the tail of
the bob wig of one of the puissant gods: she even affirmed
that the schout himself, had not a seat in his council
that could be compared with the one in question—
and which she positively asserted had been publicly presented
by the Stadt itself, to the worthy, her ancestor
aforesaid, in reward for his being the greatest builder of
his day, and his being a burgomaster—in which capacity
she boasted he was accustomed to outsit all his fellows
at a feast—a virtue now in extreme vogue among modern
echevins, who make it an invariable rule to remain
at table until they cannot stand. So having been induced,
by this veneration in which he was held, I have hunted
up with great research, the tradition and history of Mynheer
Van Zwakborstig, as the worthy from whom Vrouw
Yokupminshie was a lineal branch, was called—by which
it appears, although nothing is known of his early life,
except that he pursued diligently the careful craft of a
timmerman or carpenter: yet in despite of the dame's
statement, he was first brought into notice in the city of
Nieuw Amsterdam, instead of the mother metropolis of
that name—as usual in the great town with others, it had
been with him—that the maxim used towards him, was
not `what he had been,' but `what he was'—so the
Mynheer got respect on account of his pocket, not of
his manners—for the latter, as may be imagined, were not
of the best—for it is confidently asserted, that he was a
tough knot, and scarce could be planed: nevertheless
he made out to plane most others with whom he dealt—
for he amassed considerable shavings—so that in a short
period after his first debut, he established himself in a
stylish and blooming prieel at Schabakanica,[2] but the
more wealthy he grew, like most men so situated, the
greater this rural character felt his consequence; and
although Hopthe Von Beeftingh, the butcher, jeeringly
said that the marrow bone of Van Zwakborstig's conceit
ought to be knocked to splinters—yet as the person spoken
of was a tall man, and warped in the shoulders, he
made out to look down on such petty malice: so having
conquered all things and opposers at home, Mynheer,
who was not one to lay and rust like a nail, bethought
him of an astonishing idea—no less than of
making a visit to the Vaderland, for the sake of improvement,
and being polished like a gentleman: so having
petitioned the honourable and awful council of Antony
Colve for permission, which was granted, to depart, with
the addition of that excellent warrior's giving Mynheer
a military travelling title: (though by the by, he had
never handled any weapon except a saw or a hammer:)
he set out, and after a time returned so much edified
and smoothed by his journey, that the whole
colony was thrown in amazement: without denial,
he was surprisingly altered—and it was astonishing
to hear him tip his `daden,' that is, tell the marvellous
adventures he encountered in Holland—how he
had seen the great gloobs in the Stadt huis—and viewed
the pictures of the naval fights of the De Witts, and many
other wondrous things:—and above all how he rode a
quarter of a mile upon a jackass, behind the Stadtholder's
youngest son, who sought of the intelligent Van
Zwakborstig sundry pertinent queries concerning the colony
of Nieuw Nederlandts—such as if the moon shone at
Nieuw Amsterdam as bright as at the Hague—whether
the people were not a scalping set of savage brutes and
baboons, of which last mentioned quadruped his high
mightiness most condescendingly was pleased to remark
he judged very favourably, on account of the specimen
with whom he was conversing:—overwhelmed by which
compliment, the Mynheer made the most lowly acknowledgment.
And further he related that at a splendid
service, whereat the new Prince of Orange was sworn in
office, at the new kerk at Amsterdam, that through the
favour of the afore-mentioned Heer he had an excellent
seat near the grand organ, besides the satisfaction of
looking vastly pompous, to the infinite mortification of
Schepin Olisteen, who happened at the same period to be
also in the Vaderland—and although a big man at home,
he was in Mynheer's words, in Holland, “nien more den
is vone hone dat you might wet your wit a dop on;”—
but then what could be expected of a baker, for such
had been Olisteen's trade—and poor devil that he was,
he nearly got knocked down in attempting to smoke his
pipe in the crowd.

Van Zwakborstig had also many more glorious events
that befell him which there is here no room to mention,
but they can be found among the records of the stadt,

in the same volume wherein is detailed the admirable
voyage made by that famous navigator Hartz Kruger, to
the “unknowne countrie of Madagascare;”[3] for Mynheer
had it all written down in a clear, legible and round
Dutch text, by Dominie Megapolensis, that such an extremely
interesting and accurate history should not be
lost to posterity. Nevertheless, Mynheer did not bring
only bare words back from his tour, for his return was
accompanied by sundry chef d'œuvres of the Dutch artists,
as is remembered to this day, from his unbounded
liberality—for in the generosity of his heart he bestowed
on the Stadt one Amsterdam Apollo without a nose,
moulded at the lime kilns in Overyssel; a Venus, cut by
Edric Vanderkunderspuke, without a leg; and a Cupid
and Psyche without heads but of admirable form, the one
being dressed in a field marshal's uniform and the other
in a hoop and stomacher. Besides these, he robbed the
old country for the benefit of the new, of a number of the
finest engravings, as he himself said, in the world—together
with the stoel which first introduced this account
of him, and which had in reality belonged to the learned
Professor Von Rospinygen, of Leyden; and on whose
account Mynheer was admitted a member of most of the
philosophical associations of the province; the principal
of which is well known to have been der Knoflook und
Vleesch club, that used every once a year to assemble at
the sign of the Egg and Gridiron, near the Beaver Lick, to
eat sour krout. Now, though it is in some wise advisable
for all who wish to imitate the worthy just written of, to
travel, and amuse themselves with the wonders of foreign
parts—yet it must be confessed they too often forget their
own native country, being filled with the virtues of others:
and indeed such has been this evil, that scarce any of our
witless and conceited coxcombs have stirred abroad, but
what they have come back loaded with folly and pedantry
—and in these there is no addition desired to our growth;
for there are numbers among us who, crowded to
the very throat with the mightiness of their own opinions,
consider the judgment they deign to bestow on any
subject whatever, (not caring how abstruse or beyond
them it may be,) of that importance, that it is a final fiat
which is to build or destroy its being and existence—for
it is not more evident than remarkable, that the more vanity
a man is possessed of, the more he is wanting in understanding—and
the puerile and ignorant are always the
most dogmatical; and indeed it is no wiseuncommon for
some to insist on their pretensions to wisdom, and as the
vacant skull of a fool has little difficulty in raising a throne
to its own conceit, they can argue themselves and those
who in capacity are their kindred in the same belief—for
it is not unnatural for the simpleton and the idiot to worship
each other.

But while the relation of the goed vrouw's ancestor
has led on to the remark just concluded, the poor neglected
dame has waited our leisure with more patience
than she would have waited that of her husband's. She
has been eager this some time past, and ready to be formally
acquainted with the reader had there been an opportunity;
so it would not now be treating her as she
ought to be, to keep her longer in suspense, for she was
truly a personage of authority:—and she was surrounded
by her subjects animate and inanimate—on her one side
was the moveable cupboard of the Antwerp make, with
its pannelled doors and brass handles, gorgeous with
cleaning—on the other stood the slaubonk, serving the
several purposes of a bed, table, and dresser, while all
around the kitchen were marshalled hosts of pots, kettles,
and cooking utensils of every shape and fashion. Here
were barrels cut down into seats, such as are seen in the
paintings of the Flemish masters—there were the earthen
bowls of Long Island, which almost outdid even the
Dutch manufactures themselves—and lastly, high up the
chimney might be seen the blackened carcass of the
green goose, that was smoking for the approaching New-Year,
and whose delightful and delicate perfume filled
the whole apartment; for however economy at other
times might rule the domain of Mynheer Vanderspeigl,

on the solemn feast of Sainte Claus he opened his soul
and his heart; and surely he would not have had a drop
of Dutch blood in his veins had it been otherwise. Nevertheless,
ere the matron speaks, for after that there
will be no chance, it must be premised that however
strenuous mevrouw was in upholding the dignity of her
Dutch extraction, she had somewhat deserted the ancient
faith, having left the brief and steady homilies of
Dominie Van Gieson attracted by the more powerful and
spirit working holding forths of that sanctified, pure, holy
and precious brother in truth and spirit, Mass Baregrace
Trebletext; who, chosen appointed, and beloved vessel
of the believing, had received a blessed call, to the infinite
dissatisfaction, mortification, and disadvantage of the
above named Dominie, all the way from Jericho and
Babylon, where he was busied growing onions, to
pour forth from his lank and lanthorn jaws, nasal and
long winded denunciations against the carnal transgressions
of the worldly minded backsliders of the Manahadoes.